Bad Latin
Quod eros demonstrandum.
How to Get Heart Disease in Five Easy Steps 
4/20/09 13:04
Football


1. Part of knowing where to find heart disease is knowing where you WON'T find it.

Heart disease likes to send emails to people on the internet, so avoid areas with outdated systems of communication like the Pony Express.


Not heart disease.

Heart disease also finds proper grammar difficult. Don't waste your time looking for heart disease in libraries, English departments, book clubs that are reading Eats Shoots and Leaves, etc.


Not heart disease.


2. Heart disease watches CNN, so limit your search to areas with satellite or cable tv.


On the left: not heart disease. On the right: not heart disease.


3. Heart disease tends to use phrases like "sucked balls" to mean "wasn't good." Keep an ear out for homophobic remarks. Following the direction they're coming from will lead you closer to heart disease!


Not heart disease.

4. Heart disease is pretty obsessed with how people look and sound. In fact, it can tell how pretty someone is by the sound of their voice! Which is weird, since they're already looking at the person, but who are we to judge heart disease? Ask around to find out if anyone is known to have this amazing talent.


Probably not heart disease, unless heart disease has x-ray vision.

5. Once you have a suspected sighting of heart disease, you must be sure to locate them in their natural habitat ... waiting just around the corner!


Possibly heart disease.


Congratulations! Now you can get heart disease before heart disease gets you!


Flickr photos from super buddy, magandafille, Jeff Van Campen, polizeros, visibleducts, and illustir, respectively.
Comments 
(Deleted comment)
4/21/09 3:04 (UTC)
Heart disease is not a fan of the Broad Street Bullies!
4/22/09 4:04 (UTC)
unrelated: Do you read asofterworld.com ?
4/22/09 14:04 (UTC)
YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS

I would read the SHIT out of that book.
4/22/09 15:04 (UTC)
(They are undoubtedly playing on the sudden popularity of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies which "transforms a piece of world literature into something you'd actually want to read.")
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