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Bad Latin
Quod eros demonstrandum.
He brought me a quesadilla and we polished off the very last bottle of wine left from our wedding reception. We drank and ate and watched 30 Rock and Frasier. We toasted each other and he quoted Teen Mom because he's getting sucked into it the more I get sucked into it, and I laughed and choked on my drink.

Now he's reading me Something Positive comics and hip-hop lyrics.

Today's the 10th anniversary of the Sluggy forums, a place that shaped the course of my life in such fundamental and profound ways I can't begin to imagine what I'd be without it. In twelve days it will be ten years since I signed up and saw that guy named "David L. Watkins" posting all over the place and thought, "Wow, he's funny and smart. I wonder if I should even bother saying anything. I'll never fit in here."

Holy hell, you guys. Things and the way things work out in the end.

Happy Valentine's Day. I love you each and all.

(Aaaaagggghhhh the Eve 6 album with the song I quoted in the post title came out in 2000. And then I died of old age FOREVER.)
2/14/12 16:02 - Lovely as a tree
The other day, as I was folding laundry, a fragment of a poem popped into my head. It was this poem that I'd had half an idea for, pretty much just a rhythmic first line and a killer final line, and had come back to again and again over the years, noodling with it, trying to fit stuff in the middle and never getting things to gel. I expect everyone who writes poetry has those won't-quite-cook fragments you keep coming back to. This one began something like, "Don't ever date a crazy girl / your friends and family advised" and ended "You'll still be glad you grabbed her sleeve / and kissed her quick on New Year's Eve / the best advice you'll never take" and something something something ending with "mistake." It was a really good line.

Oh, well. I'm sure it's in there somewhere. I coughed up "Menander" today by recalling a LJ post I wrote at least eight years ago; I'm not crossing anything off as forgotten.
2/9/12 16:02 - "Dammit, that's true!"
How emo!
Therapist: Here's what I'd like you to think about before our next session -- maybe sometimes what you're using as a solution to a problem is the problem.

Me: *tiny brain explodes*
Kittens have paws and say "mew"!

Well, they do.

How emo!
So, I haven't managed to do a food diary yet. Obviously. Blech. I really should. I just keep feeling like I have to report a good, sane, healthy day, or not report at all. Unhelpful thinking, there.

What I am having trouble with lately:
- figuring out hungry and full. I feel like I was doing better at this and now am having more trouble. I seem to have started identifying hungry as "stomach is only 90% full" and full as "stomach is stuffed to 125%+ of comfortable capacity." And it seems to take me way too long to sense if I'm full.
- keeping eating appointments instead of grazing randomly. This is another place where I feel like I'm having so much more trouble. I just start to panic at the end of a meal when all the food is gone. I worry that I "can't" wait until the next appointment. I don't know what I think is going to happen, but I don't want it to happen.
- black-and-white thinking
- good food/bad food dichotomies, which make me want to hurry up and eat all the bad food so I can start being "good"
- weekends

What I am doing well with lately:
- trying to eat when hungry and stop when full, even if I get it wrong
- questioning the emotions that drive my anxiety around food, even if I end up soothing them with food
- questioning whether I really want to eat that particular food or just "something," even if I end up eating just for the sake of eating
- not checking diet/food websites as much, especially at work
- eating the amount I want of something and then stopping, especially when it's a "weird" amount like half a single serving bag
- not grocery shopping for fun/stress relief
- checking my blood sugar and giving myself the right amounts of insulin
- walking regularly
- weekdays

Also I have an appointment with my therapist, whom I have been avoiding for months, in a couple weeks. So there's that.

"The degree of my self-preoccupation is appalling." - Allen Shawn, Wish I Could Be There: Notes From a Phobic Life
As the kids say, GPOY.
1/29/12 11:01 - God is merciful
Incontrovertible proof: I was not scheduled to be a lector today.

What the lesson said:
I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the goads."

What my eye clearly saw, and what my mouth probably would have insisted on reading aloud:
I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me? It is hard for me to kick you in the gonads."

1/21/12 2:01 - Placeholder
Expect a food diary for tomorrow. And maybe a few days after that. I'm kinda flailing here. I don't know what to eat or when and I either want to eat everything or just forget food exists altogether so I never have to worry about insulin. (Fun stuff like two hypos in one day doesn't help, either.)

I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow. How do normal people do this stuff? Not obsess about food but know what they're going to eat and how much to buy of it? I worry I will never understand.

I am doing better, I think, but I'm hitting a plateau.

Pixel-cat is somehow taking up the entire floor what the hell
I wish I could quit you
that awkward moment when you try to drive home and end up circling the airport
I'm calling an audible on some of my New Year's resolutions. (Hey, it's still the first week -- it's allowed.) I'm scrapping the Ficly Project 365, although I will maybe try for a month of Ficlys in the future or something, and in its place is Mission Clean All the Things. David and I are going to get this apartment clean and KEEP it clean. I'm tired of living in a hoarder house. I'll post weekly updates and monthly pictures to keep me honest.

Self-Portrait Project 365 is necessarily on hold until my camera remote arrives, and then I will play catch-up. It hadn't really occurred to me that it would be impossible to do without a remote. I've never had a fancy DSLR with proper lenses and real depth of field before! Though I should have suspected, given how many pictures I've taken so far that have the subject unrecognizably blurry and an end table in the background in perfect sharp focus. Heh. DEMAND LEARNING KURV!

Back to the grind! ^_^
I wish I could quit you
It sure is handy how many supervillains and/or protagonists who don't realize they themselves are the crazy ones have names that easily anagram to other names.

David: [referring to a Cheers episode where a couple fights over religion] Aren't you glad we've never had a dogmatic argument like that?
Ellie: I know, we agree on just about everything. Except transubstantiation.
David: You know, transubstantiation is based on Thomist philosophy, and more specifically --
Ellie: Oh my god if I take off my shirt will you end this discussion right now?
David: I will not.
Ellie: That's what I get for marrying a man who likes knowledge more than boobs.
David: I like them both equally. It's just that I've seen yours already, but we've never had this conversation before.

Cheers: Be a caveman. That's what women like.
Ellie: Please don't be a caveman.
David: Are you kidding? I can't even get GEICO.
Ellie: *laughs so hard she chokes on her sunflower seeds*
David: *stands and throws up Nixonian V-for-victory signs*
12/30/11 21:12 - And eat more chocolate!
Hello! I hope your holidays have all been amazing. Mine were lovely! I had an absolutely beyond perfect birthday on the 22nd and a very good Christmas as well, which included 6 church services in 24 hours (with bonus last-minute thurifer and torchbearer duties on Christmas Eve!) I remain extremely terrible at all things acolyte-y, with the exception of lighting candle trees thanks to txanne's excellent advice.

I don't think I ever mentioned it last year, but my one official New Year's resolution was to reduce my credit card debt to a target number, which I did, so go me!

Now, let's get these in before the world ends:
- reduce credit card debt a further 50%
- [a weight-related goal removed to avoid being triggery]
- bench 90 and back squat 125 (OMG if I pull this one off I will DIE. OF. JOY.)
- complete a Self-Portrait Project 365 and a Ficly Project 365
- get dagnycat522 to move to the Twin Cities
- pet more kittens (what do I always say? It's a lifelong mission, people.)
I wish I could quit you
that awkward moment when it's been so long since you did laundry that it's like shopping for new clothes

So I went to Goodwill over lunch to buy some new clothes, but all the ones I wanted had green tags, and on the 13th all green tag items are a buck-fifty, so I am just going to go back then, and I'm hoping this one pair of boots is still there, because all my teenaged and adult years I have been looking for black leather boots that would fit over my bizarrely oversized calves, and I could zip these up 95% of the way, and I think at this point in my life for a buck-fifty I would be willing to set the bar that low, and that is what I did today, the end.
How emo!
Church this morning: very cool but very busy, what with singing in the choir (and playing tambourine on one song!), doing the Old Testament reading, and giving a short off-the-cuff speech about what I love about our parish (I was so nervous I basically went into a fugue state and have no idea what I actually said).

Church this evening: right, because sticking me (who's only been an acolyte for Compline with Benediction ONCE) with someone who's never done it at all is such a recipe for success. Spoiler: IT ISN'T. I actually know the service so little I'm not even sure what I did wrong -- I'm just assuming it was a lot! Also, I apparently have a genetic defect where I cannot get candles to light properly. I just kept jabbing and jabbing at them with the taper and I was holding up starting the whole service and it was SO EMBARRASSING and in the end I just had to leave some of them unlit. And I said a lot of bad words under my breath. But I did not get struck down on the spot. So there's that.

I was going to make a "speaking of my religious convictions, something something football" joke, but honestly I just miss Peyton Manning so much and want to give Derek Dooley a wedgie so badly, it's really too depressing to talk about.

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