Today started at 2:30 am. Lately I find it very hard to sleep through the night without taking a magnesium supplement at bedtime, and no matter how many times I am reminded of that to my sorrow, if I don't remember to take it before I get into bed, I will not get back up to remedy that. So: there was much sleeplessness, mitigated by random interior design blogs, Sons of Anarchy
(early Season 4, no spoilers pls!), and a fuckton of Hershey's miniatures because apparently that is what I am eating this week, all the time.
Then I went to work and pretended to work while reading Get Off My Internets. For a blog devoted to making fun of other bloggers, it is not as nasty as I thought it would be, and there are some really interesting and sympathetic discussions about mental illness, food stamps, homelessness, breastfeeding, pregnancy, fatphobia (they are big fans of Fat Nutritionist! WIN!) and more. But yes also they are judgey and my black hateful heart likes that. IN MY DEFENSE most of the department was taking a half day for summer hours and nothing was moving through the catalog production process, so it's not like I was really throwing a wrench into the system. But yeah. Lazy Sleep-deprived Ellie is lazy.
Went over to a friend's place and watched one of her favorite movies, Troop Beverly Hills,
which I found ... fine. It's by the numbers, but I probably would have liked it as a kid. We also watched an episode of Friends,
"The One After The Super Bowl." Jean Claude Van Damme is kinda cute in giant 90s round glasses! Who knew?
Today is Black Cat Appreciation Day!
Gwynn is TOTALLY NOT A SWEETIE.
Maggie has no idea what is going on right now
I have come out of whatever sadness was knocking me to my knees earlier in the week. Over the past few months I have been having a problem where I will start crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason. It happens a lot when I'm at work, and also a lot during choir practice before church. This is pretty scary. I've always been a crier, I've always been given to breakdowns, but I've also always been able to put on a brave face when needed and go let it out later. Not so much now. A few months ago I had a gigantic nonstop breakdown for a good hour or so and had to cancel a bunch of stuff I had planned for that evening. Then last Sunday I had another choir-practice breakdown and somehow for the first time did not bother to, or could not manage to, pull off hiding it. Another choir member came over and gave me a hug and reassurance, and also later emailed me some very kind words. It was incredibly nice but also made me feel very awkward and uncomfortable.
I used to always want to be the center of attention. I constantly volunteered for things like lectoring in church or reading aloud textbook passages in class. I loved theater in high school (our theater department was the tiniest and saddest thing ever, alas) and hated the times I didn't get lead roles. But somehow lately, I have gotten terribly uncomfortable with having people pay attention to me. I went to a kink party a few weeks ago -- a sort of "skill share" get-together -- and ended up stripping down to my underwear and getting bound hand and foot, blindfolded, and lightly spanked. I have never done anything remotely like this before and also barely knew anyone at the party. However, I was not nervous at all. But the part where two people were giving me their full, undivided attention, looking at me and doing things to me ... I was in terror. I had to repeatedly bite back the desire to call the whole thing off so they could go talk to or play with someone more interesting, more worthwhile, more whatever.
Where have these things come from, the crying and the desire to fade into the background? Were they always there and I've managed to clear away enough of my other crazy to unearth them? Or are they new arrivals? That kind of bums me out. I never thought I'd acquire new crazy as I got older. I assumed I'd already hit the lifetime maximum. This discomfort with online relationships is new, too, but I'm still figuring out what that actually means and how to handle it besides volunteering for a lot of stuff in real life that I end up not really wanting to do when the time arrives.
Unrelated thought: maybe I could be a collector, and gather beautiful phrases. I only have two; I feel like you need three examples for a collection. Or is that just for a joke? We've been watching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother
and it's interesting to see how often they use that rule of three. (There was one episode where Robin made two puns and then, smirking, announced, "I have a third but I'm not going to say it." I found that tremendously entertaining for some reason.)
Oh, well. I will start here, and maybe someday have enough to give them their own entry. the ultimate sadness of all vanitythe stars are indifferent to astronomy
I have a lot of crossover in my online communities. It's very hard to write about someone anywhere without someone who knows kir seeing it -- or often, ke kirself seeing it. Which is probably a good thing for me. I'd far rather go to everyone else I know and get sympathy for what so-and-so did than approach so-and-so and say, "That really bothered me." Actually, I've had a couple situations lately where people (online and IRL) have hurt my feelings, and I just sat there being hurt. I couldn't figure out if it would be helpful to say anything, so I didn't. It was weird; it felt like a situation I hadn't encountered before, and yet obviously I've had my feelings hurt plenty of times in the past. I wonder what's changed?
Ever since I found The Internets back in high school, 99% of my social interaction and friendship has been online. I really don't know how to be a friend IRL. I don't know what people are supposed to do. I don't know how you handle it when the other person annoys you. I don't know how to be open about my sexuality or religion or politics, not even a little bit. I don't know what's expected. I started becoming friendly with these guys I met through a cool lady I know. They were nice, and fun. They had cool parties with other cool people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I thought, "I could be RL friends with these guys!" And now it turns out they're all moving away this summer. I don't know any of those cool people except through these guys and their parties. I feel like I'm going to be completely alone again.
I have a decision to make about something David and I were planning to do this summer. It pretty much boils down to "it might be a ton of fun, but it definitely will cost money." We need a new car and the money would be a significant boost to that; on the other hand, fun is fun, and fun of this type only comes around occasionally.
Now I'm gonna go enjoy my day off and play SWTOR nonstop until my eyes bleed.
I really miss Taoist Tai Chi. I am sort of baffled that nobody does classes up here. I mean, I know there are other kinds of tai chi, but that is the one I learned (most of it; I never did finish the last bit of the 108 forms) and I suspect trying another type would just make me miss this one more. And there don't even seem to be videos or even books available online to brush up on what I know so I can practice on my own. Come on, free market! Deliver that shit already.
random post is random
I just got back from visiting dagnycat522
in Washington, DC and I really liked it
I am thinking about changing my LJ icons scheme (gasp, clutch pearls)
I cannot stop taking pictures of the cats
I am really excited for Fourth Street
Ugh, it's that time of year again. Came back from my noontime walk soaked in sweat and red as a beet. I am going to have to start rolling out of bed earlier and walking first thing in the morning if I want to keep the rah-rah-exercise-endorphins going through the face-melting days of summer.
I am going to The Avengers
with David tonight, and listen, y'all, chronic illness or no, I don't do movie theaters without snackage, so I calculated the carb content of popcorn by volume (100 cu. in. = 35). Heh. Pizza crust has 2 carbs per square inch, by the way. Diabetes is the most mathematical disease of all.
I need to find a way to tie fabric on my head that's classier than washerwoman kerchief but doesn't look like I'm trying to copy a hijab. (I find them aesthetically gorgeous, but I understand they have a religious and cultural significance that makes "ooh, shiny!" appropriation not very respectful).
I got invited to a showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show
next Saturday. It starts at midnight like what I will have to nap all day to make it through. I have an odd desire to dress up, and I have this outfit in my head that I have seen in eighty hundred movies but I can't find a screenshot of online: short-sleeved button-down shirt open over wifebeater, suspenders, fedora. Khaki pants maybe? I can only envision the top half, haha. I hope I can locate my fedora. soaringdragon42
asks how my meals are going. The answer is ... not great. I think
I am having trouble right now because I am actually kicking harmful behaviors for good instead of just subbing in other ways of not dealing with life, so I end up sitting there feeling my feelings, which are no fun to feel. I've been having problems on and off with gastrointestinal distress. And my depression is notably very strong right now, so of course that doesn't help. I am gaining weight steadily, and I have been successful at just keeping my head down and continuing to work on what I can work on, instead of snapping back the other way to try to reverse the trend and just prolonging the obsessions. Either I've risen above my setpoint, and so it will settle back down to something stable when my eating gets reliable, or I'm rising to meet my setpoint, in which case there's no point in expending all the effort to keep an artificially low weight so I might as well just wait for it to stop fluctuating and buy bigger pants. I avoid weight-loss-focused blogs and forums, and keep my nutrition surfing (yeah, that addiction hasn't budged) confined to blogs by people who are weight stable and don't talk about weight loss much if ever. I freak out a lot but I talk myself down a lot, too. Ooh, and I turned down free food yesterday without a mental struggle! I guess in a lot of ways I am doing really well. It's just the actual, proper, sit down and put food in your face part where I'm flailing. Food is stupid.
Pixel, the Worst Cat In The World, had to have incredibly expensive dental surgery BUT they also thought she might have jaw cancer and then the biopsy came back clean as a whistle. So I am so suffused with relief and joy that I do not even care how much she yowls, a state of affairs she is taking full advantage of. Also they shaved her and she looks so hilarious it is just great.
I want a sewing machine.
la la la
I've had the worst mental block lately about talking about myself online. I can't journal; I can't join new communities or start new forum logs. I never did say much about myself on Facebook given that I have so many family members friended, so that's nothing new. But even on what dagnycat522
charmingly calls Message-Board-of-Note, I keep writing entries -- anything from a serious update on my mental health to a toss-off comment about music -- and then deleting them.
I suppose it somewhat extends to talking about myself in real life -- I've been very avoidant of support groups and therapy these past few months, though I've dragged myself in to both recently with good results. I do cry to David nineteen times a day about every little slight or misery, though, so it's not across the board. Poor man.
Oh well. I am posting now. Blah blah blah, ugh, I am looking at this and wondering why anyone would want to read it, and then thinking, "Don't say that! People will think you're fishing for reassurance!" and now I am just going to hit Post before I completely talk myself out of this.
[at a fancy wine tasting]
Ellie: What are they offering at this table?
David: Let's see ... [peers through the crowd] ... ooh! That one is AWESOME!
David: It's called Ent Wine!
David: ... oh. "Entwine."
The first book in a series should NOT be allowed to end with so many unanswered questions! #TheSecretCountry
(Especially not when your husband has to go to work and can't start reading the next one to you for days.)
*flops about on the floor in agony*
Transformers III: [incoherent military yelling]
Rifftrax: I can finish that sentence for you: "Move move move! Go go go!"
Ellie: Wait, are they supposed to move or go?
David: If they move, there will be trouble. But if they go ... it will be double.
Transformers III: [bad guy attempts to get military secrets out of hero by threatening his girlfriend]
David: Hon? If we were ever in a situation like that ... I'd let them kill us before I let them kill the Earth. I'm sorry.
Ellie: Trust me, I accepted long ago that if my life depends on someone appealing to your emotions over your logic, I'm worm food.
How to Ruin Your Life
Get stuck. Stay in one place your whole life. Always order vanilla even though the menu is four pages long. Become the type of person who sends back lattes. Save up your money for a plasma TV instead of a plane ticket. Talk a lot about things you know nothing about. Have an affair with someone you don’t even find attractive.
Refuse to forget your ex. Make it impossible for yourself to do anything without remembering that you used to do it with them. Hug your knees under the sheets and think about how safe you felt when they held you at night. Remind yourself daily of how empty you feel. Find new ways to make yourself sad.
Get drunk all the time. Consider no Saturday night, national holiday or extended happy hour complete without a vodka-induced breakdown. Graduate college but keep drinking like you’re still in it. Notice that cheap beer tastes watery and stale when you drink it alone but drink it anyway. Look at old Facebook photos wasted and wonder where everyone went.
Never drink. Never do anything that could potentially be “bad” for you. Treat your body like the temple it is and say no to carbs, yes to wheatgrass, go to bed at ten sharp and turn down cake on your birthday. Take fifteen different dietary supplements. Monitor carefully. Succumb to nothing. Miss out on everything.
Compare yourself constantly, to everyone. Allow the standards of image-obsessed, age-obsessed culture to make you feel decrepit at 25. Scroll through skinny girls on Tumblr feeling wistful and inadequate. Pull at the skin on your hipbones, stomach, and underarms in the mirror. Sigh a lot. Sigh all the time.
Don’t fall in love with anyone or anything. Put an impenetrable wall between yourself and other people. Add a fire-breathing dragon and eight yards of barbed wire. Be suspicious of everyone’s motives. Hold grudges long after you’ve forgotten what for.
Fall in love with everyone and everything. Run after the next best thing like it’s a bus you’re perpetually late for. Throw your heart into every other stranger’s hands and be genuinely surprised to be hurt. Refuse to learn. Refuse to ever learn.
[watching Parks and Rec]
Leslie: *makes several comments about Ben being small*
Ben: Do you wish I were taller? What's going on?
Leslie: No! You're a man-genius, with a taut, narrow frame like a sexy elf king.
David: I guess it's from being a Tolkien fan, but when I hear "elf" I imagine tall and stately.
Ellie: Like the Valinor?
Ellie: They're elves, right?
David: They're not even a they.
Ellie: *laughs for approximately nine minutes straight*